햇볕처럼 웃어 봐요

Dear You,

It’s been a strange week, one full of anxiety in different forms.

I met with that editor on Monday (it was indeed the editor and not some HR representative). She didn’t give any details about the other writer, kept referring to it as “her departure”.

(After talking about it with my brother, he suggested that the writer was likely fired with cause.)

Cut to Tuesday: I had a brief meeting with one of the communications directors about backfilling the (now vacant) writer position. He asked if I was interested, and I said I was, though I don’t know that he caught the hesitation in my voice.

Hesitation because I don’t know that I really want to be so fully part of the corporate machine again. Because I can see a world where that transition comes with immense micromanaging and the general friction and politics of corporate culture.

(I’m also not fully sure what the job would entail. My duties as a contractor have been all over the place.)

(I also find the company wildly disorganized.)

(I’d also be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss my camera shop friends. The job is easy, and I love my colleagues there, even if I’m reminded every single day of how horrible the actual conditions are. I have never hated the concept of a “small business” more than I do now.)

Wednesday: I had a brief introductory interview with someone from the talent acquisition team, seemingly to gauge my interest. And to let me know the compensation, which is…pretty incredible. Like, my personal hesitations aside, a full-time job that pays that well with healthcare and flex PTO would be unreal.

But in reality, I don’t really have any expectations either way. Because if I don’t get it, I’ll still be a contract employee. It’s a win-win.

I have a group interview on Wednesday. Funnily enough, it’s with the team members I’ve been working with since April.

I had an impromptu weekend with my brother. We saw The Decemberists with the Oregon Symphony. I haven’t actively listened to The Decemberists in a decade, maybe more, but I’m not here to pass up a legendary band. They were great, though they didn’t sing “Engine Driver”. Colin Meloy has the exact same voice that he’s always had.

We went to many good restaurants and bars, which is the standard whenever my brother and I hang out. Despite the fact that I live here, I’m so unplugged when it comes to the Good Restaurants and Bars. I mostly eat at home. I mostly go to the same dive neighborhood bar.

So I appreciate my brother turning me into a tourist of my own city. It’s always a good time.

I did lose my camera in the mix of it all. An Olympus XA that I got from work for cheap because the door was broken. I love broken cameras that work totally fine (as much as it makes me a total cliche). It slipped out of my jacket pocket in a Lyft, and it’s likely lost to the ages. I’m bummed about it, though I keep telling myself (by way of telling others) that it’s fine, it’s okay.

This was slightly balanced out by me getting a really, really good martini. I should say that I’m not normally a martini person in the slightest. The last time I had a martini, I took a sip and nearly threw up. But this martini was so, so delicious. Maybe not a true martini because it was gin and sake instead of gin and vermouth? But it had a briny olive on a toothpick, a dash of vinegar, so to me, that’s a martini.

I’ve been getting back to my “writer mindset” lately, thinking of stories and worlds, thinking of language as this thing that can feel so big and unwieldy, but also so insufficient, inadequate, incomplete. I’ve been thinking of Jamila’s letter about language. (You should always read Jamila. She’s absolutely brilliant.)

I’m mutuals with this one person on Instagram. I often wish we lived closer because I feel like we’d be friends. Sometimes I think my standards are too high, but it turns out that being a kindhearted vegan who cooks good food, watches movies, and appreciates fashion is enough for me to think, Hey, we should be friends.

I went to a baby shower Sunday. I thought I would be too tired from hanging with my brother (that sort of sadness hangover that comes with having a good time with someone you care about and then that time is over, and you have to return to your regular life), but I rallied.

It was my coworker’s partner’s shower, and it was sweet. That general warmth of being around people celebrating a child who isn’t here yet. It’s impossible not to see that as a sort of hope, the tiniest candlelight of optimism.

I actually totally forgot about the shower until Scanner Friend texted me about it, but I got there in time for cake and gifts. I talked with my colleagues about nothing really, that completely pleasant, comfortable conversation that just happens while you sip a seltzer, take in the sun, watch a child bounce a pink balloon into the air.

I hope you’re doing okay. I don’t really know what’s in store for me this week. I know I have a get-together on Friday that I’m looking forward to, but I don’t know where I’ll be at professionally, occupationally, emotionally by then. I guess that’s every week.

Love,

A

summer salt - smile (괜찮을 거야)