you put a bite in my tooth

Dear You,

I’m still sick. Better than last week, better than the week before that, not contagious. This might be the first day in a while that I’ve felt closer to my regular self. I haven’t coughed as much, but I’m still not feeling as well as I want. My left ear is still clogged.

Last night, I got back from a trip to Austin. I went with my brother, my niece. We visited my parents for my dad’s birthday.

My brother and niece came up on Friday, spent the night at my place, and we all flew out of PDX Saturday (on different flights that departed and arrived around the same time). I haven’t flown in years, so I wasn’t sure what to expect from security. I was kind of amazed that I didn’t have to take off my shoes or take out my baggy of toiletries.

(I did find the photo verification thing strange. I opted out going to Austin and coming back.)

This was also my first time seeing the Portland airport after its long renovations, and it’s actually really nice. There’s something to the architectural design and use of the space that feels warm, all wood interiors and plants. A surprisingly big Powell’s bookstore.

(I also kept thinking that I haven’t flown in a while. Only now, checking my old emails, I’m remembering that I did fly in 2024. That trip to Oakland. I completely blocked that out without meaning to.)

The flight itself was smooth, forgettable, which is the best you can ask for any flight.

It was funny when we finally met up with my parents outside of the gates. They looked the same to me. My mom ran over, passing right by me to hug my niece.

It wasn’t really a trip of touristy things. I’d considered hitting up any of the various museums, but I was there more for family time, copious barbecue, navigating the strange roads and highways of Austin. I mainly wish that I wasn’t dealing with intense acid reflux (it turns out, after antibiotic usage, you can suffer a form of GERD) and an uncharacteristically low appetite.

(I also barely slept from a persistent dry cough, which I think was partly the GERD, partly just the lingering effects of my cold.)

But I still had some of the best brisket I’ve ever eaten, some pretty amazing sausages, and my mom’s miyeokguk, ostensibly my favorite food in the world. I didn’t drink as much as I wanted to (not a martini in sight!).

I’m only now realizing we didn’t get any Mexican food, but I’ll be honest: I think I’ll always prefer Mexican food from SoCal.

My brother and I also got tattoos. He got a custom garlic tattoo that I ended up liking, so we now have matching garlic tattoos.

My niece is in her makeup phase, which I find both funny and sweet. She’s growing up, and she’s finding fun in makeup as a form of personal expression. She was also applying mascara and curling her eyelashes at least every hour. It’s the way that you find a new hobby and just want to constantly do it.

It was just nice being with my family, settling into these old familial roles while understanding that we’re all older and more mature as people. Being so stressed at work and being ill for all of February had me wanting to return to the role of youngest, taken care of.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about my parents. My best friend’s father passed away last week. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a complicated relationship with their parents, and that seems to go double for friends with immigrant parents. But it does ultimately lead to the immensity of love, the enormity of appreciation for these people who made mistakes, fucked up in plenty of ways because that is what people do, who still did their best in spite of the economics of living in this world.

The way that that can all just culminate in my mom and I sitting on the couch, sipping coffee, talking about work, family gossip, growing lemons, the prospect of purchasing a rowing machine or treadmill.

I also had moments of surprise just seeing my parents interact with my niece, trying to teach her how to use chopsticks. She was never taught Korean, but my parents would sometimes speak to her in Korean, and some part of her seemed to get it.

And seeing the strange echoes of generations. My niece laughed, and for the briefest second, I saw my mom in her smile.

It’s just a strange time in my life. I don’t know when it hasn’t been that.

I just know that I’ve been feeling a little insane the past couple weeks. Friday felt especially impossible (work, illness, packing, getting ready for my trip, cleaning up my apartment, dealing with a leaking bathroom sink), and I think a younger me would have completely broken down.

Which is to say: I really needed family time. I really needed the fun of exploring somewhere new with my brother, joking around with my niece, making plans for the near future.

We talked about living together. Or closer together. I don’t know how much longer they’ll live in Austin, though they seem to be content enough for now. I don’t know that they’d like Portland all that much. Even I feel like my time in Portland is drawing to a close. I weirdly think they might like Seattle more, though I also think, much like me, they prefer warmer climates.

I’m not looking forward to work tomorrow. I’m just not.

I didn’t read as much as I wanted to during the trip. I had plenty of time, but even on the plane, I defaulted to listening to music and podcasts and staring into the middle distance.

I did come home with a handful of my dad’s old film negatives. I’m going to try to get them into the old film lab for scans whenever I have the dang time. I kept remarking how good they looked. Like, they’re a good thirty years old, more than, and the exposures look crisp with clean colors. And it’s all old, discontinued film.

I hope you’re well. I’m exhausted. I’m looking forward to this weekend (more wrestling and good hangs with my brother).

Love,

A

leisure hour - not done begging (yet)